My Secret
by hopelesslyhalfhearted
Summary: Ryan and Marissa has never met. He his a newcomer to Newport, working at her lawyer firm. It's obvious he hates everything about Newport and lawyer firms, so what exactly is he doing there?
1. New places, new face, Newport

_Hi so I wanted to write something different. Ryan and Marissa have ever met; Ryan is just starting work in her lawyer firm. He's a bit like Sandy was at the beginning of the first season, hates everything about them. I would tell you why he started work there but it's part of the plot._

_Thanks, review!_

_xoxo_

New places, new faces, Newport

I can't be doing this, I thought as I walked up the stairs to my new firm's offices. I had never worked for a lawyer firm before and I had never wanted to, until _it_ happened. I wasn't going to enjoy the next 12 months.

"Hi, I'm here for my first day," I said to the lady behind the desk.

"Mr..." She said, as she scrolled down her computer screen. "Atwood,"

"Yes,"

"I'll just call your partner to show you to your office." That was another thing I wasn't looking forward to; partnering. As if working for some stupid private firm wasn't bad enough. Partnering meant talking to and about each other, which meant disaster for me. I couldn't talk about me. I didn't want to walk about me. She made a quick phone call and soon a woman was standing with us. She was beautiful, long hair cascaded down her back, which I imagined as tanned, her being a Newpsie. She was beautiful, but I didn't find her...attractive. I didn't want to date her; I didn't want to date anyone.

"Hi, I'm Marissa," She said, offering a hand for me to shake.

"Ryan," I said as I shook her hand. Somebody called her.

"Do you mind if I quickly see what he wants? I won't be a second,"

"Sure."

"You're lucky, she's the nicest out of all of them," The receptionist said. She wasn't the usual image of a receptionist, she was old, looked like she had a lot of experience. Because of this I didn't think she would be offended by my comment.

"She's still a Newpsie. They're all spoilt little rich kids, I bet her parents paid for all her fees. Probably still paying for her." I muttered.

"Watch it, a lot of my friends are from Newport doesn't mean their Newpsies."

"Sorry," I grumbled as Marissa walked back over to us.

"Sorry about that...so I'll show you to our office?" She said, smiling at me.

"Our office?" I was confused; there had been no mention of sharing an office.

"Yep, we work together. You'll probably end up spending more time in the office than at home, so we'll end up living together to," She smiled again, trying to be humorous. I wasn't amused.

"Ok," I said, trying to sound as polite as possible, though I think she may have picked up on my bad mood. I followed her down a pristine white corridor and through a frosted glass door.

"Here we are," She said, waving out her arm.

"Great," I said, again trying to hide my bad mood. "I take it my desk is the tidy one?"

"Yeah, sorry I haven't gotten round to tidying mine..." I cut her off.

"Its fine, mine will be like that in a week," I gave her my best fake smile and sat down on the leather chair behind my desk. The desk was huge and made out of glass, I wasn't used to this sort of extravagance. I couldn't imagine what the boss' office was like. "So...out case...?" She had sat down in her chair, identical to mine.

"I thought we could...talk, maybe get to know each other a little. I mean we're working together for a minimum of 12 months,"

"Sure, you got any family?" I said, though I wasn't planning on answering questions, just asking them.

"No boyfriend, but my Mom still lives in Newport, so she's probably the family I see most of, apart from my best friend Summer, who is practically family. Then there's her husband and his family who are really nice, so they're like my...extended family. Then my Dad is off sailing around the world somewhere and my sister, Caitlin, is in New York. You?"

"My Mom lives in the same house I grew up in," I wasn't going to tell her anything important. Truth was I hadn't spoken to my Mom in 15 years.

"Home is...?"

"It's not home," Memories of fists hitting my face over and over again flashed back to me. That place wasn't home, that wasn't what a home was. I'd had a home, but I'd lost it. That's why I was here, sat in some stupid office, with some Newpsie. "It's where I grew up,"

"Which is...?"

"Chino," She looked at me, obviously amazed that anyone from Chino could be a lawyer. She'd probably treat me like shit on her shoe for the rest of our time together, I wasn't as good as her cause I was from Chino, that's what was going through her mind.

"So, where is home?"

"I don't have one,"

"You need a place to stay?"

"No, I've got a house," She didn't look confused like I had expected her to; she seemed to understand what I meant.

"Did your girlfriend move with you?"

"I don't have one," I could see she was about to ask a question, I knew what it was going to be. "I didn't have one before I moved here either,"

"Oh." She paused. "Do you mind if I ask a blunt question?"

"Whatever," I said, fiddling with a pen.

"Why did you do this? I mean you obviously hate the whole thing and I've figured that out within a few minutes, so you must really hate it."

"I wanted a change,"

"What did you do before?" It seemed like she wanted to ask why, but refrained.

"I was a public defender,"

"Really? Summer's father-in-law did that! I hear it doesn't pay well?"

"It was never about the money,"

"You don't like talking much, do you?"

"No, so can we get on with the case?"

"Sure,"


	2. Don't Throw It Away

_So I know the first chapter was from Ryan's perspective, but I wanna try doing it from nobody's perspective, I'm just gunna see how it works out._

_Read and review!!!_

_xoxo_

Don't throw it away

"No!" Seth reached for Summer's arm, which was hovering over the balcony, a comic book clasped in her hand. Waves splashed against the rocks below.

"No more jokes about my bump?" She said with authority.

"Just don't throw it away! It's a first edition Spiderman! It's worth LOADS!"

"I don't care what it's worth, do you promise?

"I promise,"

"If you joke about it again, I promise it will be more than a comic going over the balcony!" Seth nodded vigorously and Summer handed him back the comic. Marissa decided it was time they noticed she was there.

"Hey guys," She said, laughing at what she had just witnessed.

"Hey," Summer replied as she turned to face her best friend.

"Come on baby, let's get you back in your case, away from the evil witch," Seth said as he walked off, stroking his comic.

"Him and his comics..." Sumer trailed off as they walked inside.

"Look on the bright side, if he cares that much about his comic baby, think how much he'll care about his real baby," Summer laughed, her best friend knew just how to cheer her up.

"Coffee?" Marissa nodded in reply as she sat down. Soon Summer joined her with 2 steaming mugs.

"So, gossip on your new partner..." Summer curled up on the sofa.

"There isn't much to tell..." Marissa said, curling up to face her.

"Come on Coop,"

"Seriously, he doesn't talk much,"

"He...that's good. Is he hot?"

"Summer, you're married!"

"Coop, you're single!"

"Very funny,"

"Seriously, you should date!"

"I don't have time,"

"Excuses, excuses. Is he hot then?"

"He's...hot,"

"How hot? Very, a little..."

"Really. He's really hot,"

"Well then Coop! That's it! He's hot, he's smart and he's on a big payroll."

"Sum, it would be weird"

"Look, I know you liked Dave, even after you broke up, but in the end he was just a friend. He moved away, moved on."

"People are going to think I have a thing for dating my work partner!"

"Oh well, let them think. This guy sounds perfect, invite him over."

"I'm not inviting him on a date, he only got here yesterday!"

"No be subtle, don't actually go 'dating' till you know more about him. Just invite him round to dinner with me and Seth, tell him it's to welcome him into the community or something."

"I don't think he really wants to be...welcomed into the community,"

"Who cares, get him to come. Tomorrow night, 7 o'clock."

"Fine," Marissa tried to look annoyed, but inside she was quite excited about spending time with Ryan. He seemed...interesting. "So, have you guys thought up anymore names?"

"Well, we thought about Lindsay, then..."

********************************************

"Take a seat Mr. Taylor," Marissa directed the man toward the leather armchair. "I'm Marissa Cooper and this is Ryan Atwood," She gestured in his direction. "We'll be working on your case,"

"Thanks," Mr Taylor straightened his-very expensive- tie. "I'm sure you know why I'm here, the council won't allow me to build on some land and I want you guys to sort them out."

"What is it you want to build on this land?" Ryan asked, pretending to be remotely interested.

"A house,"

"For yourself or...?"

"For myself, my wife and I are splitting up,"

"May I ask why?"

"We didn't work out,"

"Well you loved each other at one point?"

"Yes,"

"So why don't you make it work out?"

"Listen to me..." Ryan's face had turned red.

"No, you listen to me. You have something and you're just taking it for granted! Do you know how lucky you are? You're giving something up out of choice. There are people out there who don't get a choice, who get the person they love taken away from them, against their will. Do you know how stupid it makes you look? Huh? Don't throw it away,"

"It is not for you to say!" Mr Taylor had become rather flustered himself.

"I'm afraid I can't represent you, if Miss Cooper wants to do it alone that's fine, but I'm not working with you!" Ryan stormed out.

"Sorry, will you excuse me?" Marissa said, making her way out the door.

"WHAT THE HELL!?" She screamed in Ryan's face. "YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO A CLIENT!"

"Watch me," Ryan said calmly.

"YOU JUST NOT GOING TO WORK WITH ANYONE WHO'S DIVORCED?"

"NO, JUST WITH PEOPLE IN THE PROCESS, PEOPLE WHO STILL HAVE A CHANCE!"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! I SHOULD FILE A COMPLAINT; GET YOU FIRED IN YOUR FIRST WEEK!" Ryan moved close to her and breathed in her face.

"YOU...DO...THAT!" Marissa remained silent. "I didn't think so," Ryan backed away and then turned quickly, making his way down the corridor to the main entrance. He had no idea what had made him become so aggressive, he had never been like that in his life to anyone apart from his Mom's boyfriends. He knew why he was angry, but he never usually showed his anger like that. He wasn't going to apologize though, stupid Newpsie with her stupid job and her stupid client.

Though he was still going to go to that dinner, he had to socialise someone from Newport at some point.

******************************************

Marissa leant against the kitchen counter, wondering if he would turn up. A part of her wanted him to and another part wanted to never see him again. Who did he think he was? He couldn't just do that. Did he think he was too good for them, just because he got a scholarship? Summer poured herself an orange juice as she watched her friend. She'd heard all about what had happened at the office. It was certainly interesting. It was clear the guy had many layers; he would have an interesting past. It was also clear he needed help, not therapy, just friends. The doorbell rang.

"I'll get it," Seth called from the hallway. Minutes later he came back into the kitchen, Ryan following close behind him. "Summer this is Ryan, Ryan my wife Summer,"

"Nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you both," Ryan shook her hand.

"Nice to meet you too, though I haven't heard much about you, apparently you don't talk much," Summer replied, pouring out a glass of wine and handing it to Ryan.

"Thanks," He said as he took the wine. "Talking isn't one of my...strong points,"

"That's fine, become my friend," Seth said, Ryan looked at him bemused.

"He talks for America," Summer said. Ryan laughed along with the others, it was the first time he had laughed for a long time.

******************************************

Dinner passed, with the usual chatter and before they knew it the night was over. Seth and Ryan had already arranged to meet up at a later date and things seemed to have smoothed out a little with Marissa and Ryan. She had seen a new side to him, the one who was less on guard, sure he still had barriers up, but he was like a different person. It was the first time she had seen him looking comfortable in his surroundings and to be honest she found him very attractive.

Ryan was beginning to realise there was more to these people than being spoilt Newpsies, even if he would never admit it. He seen a different Marissa, well he had opened his eyes properly to actually see Marissa, to take an interest in her. She was beautiful and incredibly charming. She seemed perfect. And next to her he felt like a dirty rag, someone with so many problems and so much going through his mind that even if he had wanted a girlfriend she wouldn't have looked twice at him.

*****************************************

Ryan stopped the car outside Marissa's apartment; he had been the only person sober enough to drive her home.

"I'm sorry about the other day," Ryan said, spinning around in his seat.

"It's ok," She smiled.

"I was just really..."

"Honestly, it's ok," Silence followed. Marissa leant in, kissing Ryan's lips. For a second, for one sweet second he kissed her back then he pushed her away.

"I can't, I'm sorry, I just can't. It's not that you're not nice or pretty or..." Pretty, Ryan cursed himself; he could have used a better word than pretty.

"It was stupid, sorry, I'll see you," Marissa fumbled with her seat belt, her cheeks bright red as she hurried out of the car. She almost ran down the path to her door, in her haste to unlock it she almost dropped her keys. Finally she was inside.

Ryan banged his head against the steering wheel. It had been a year, what was wrong with him?


	3. Because

_Hi guys, thanks for all the lovely reviews. I'll try submitting as regularly as possibly but I'm currently doing my Additional Maths Exams, 2 years earlier than anyone else! ARGH! _

_So I'm not sure if this story is moving along to quickly, skipping time too much. I don't know. I wrote this chapter then rewrote it with a whole different ending, which means i'll also have to rewrite the next...so bare with me :D_

_Read & Review :D_

_xoxo_

Because

"WHAT!? He asked you on a date?" Summer screamed joyfully, just like a school girl.

"Well...not a date, he just asked me to show me round," Marissa replied.

"Christ you haven't been on one for so long you've forgotten what one is!"

"Sum I haven't! This isn't a date it's a..."

"Meeting between friends? Sure. Are you excited?"

"A little," Marissa gave in, she had hoped from the very beginning it would be a date, though she wasn't sure what Ryan meant by it. After what had happened in the car 2 weeks ago they hadn't talked much about anything apart from work.

"What time are you meeting him?"

"11ish, I think he wants me to show him some good places for lunch,"

"Cool,"

"I gotta go now, bye," Marissa made her way to the door.

"Coop, wait!"

"What?" Marissa span round.

"Good luck,"

"Thanks," Marissa turned back around and walked out the door.

***************************************

They had been walking along the beach for an hour or so, Marissa pointing out good shops and restaurants along the way. It was nearing time for lunch.

"So, lunch?" Marissa asked.

"Yeah," Ryan replied. She began walking away toward the pier. "Marissa wait," Ryan called, running after her.

"Yep...?" Marissa turned around. They stood facing each other in silence.

"I wanted to say sorry, for the other night,"

"It's ok,"

"No, it's just I haven't been this...close to anyone for a long time. I haven't talked to anyone like I talk to you and Seth and Summer, I know I don't talk much, but honestly compared to how I have been, it's a lot."

"Honestly it's fine,"

"I was just so surprised; I haven't kissed anyone for..."

"Ryan, it's ok," She reached out to put a hand on his shoulder, but before she could he had pulled her face towards his, kissing her. "Um," Marissa was lost for words.

"I'm sorry, I..." Before he could finish she had pulled him in for another kiss. She took his hand and led him toward a small diner.

"It's a good diner, amazing chilli fries," He laughed; he couldn't imagine stick thin Marissa eating fries. "What's so funny?" She said as they sat down in a booth.

"Nothing,"

"Come on, what?"

"Nothing really," She looked at him suspiciously, but gave up. Soon a waiter came over, Marissa ordered for them both. Once they'd finished eating they stood outside on the pier.

"Can I see you again?" Ryan asked, still staring out at the ocean.

"You'll see me tomorrow, silly," Marissa teased, though she knew what he meant.

"I mean out of work,"

"I don't just kiss anyone who comes my way," She smiled at him, leaning in for another kiss. His kisses were better than anyone else's. He held her back.

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes." He let go, allowing her to lean in.

********************************

"Coop, there is one tiny problem in your perfect relationship," Summer said, sitting in the same position she had been when Marissa told her about the 'date' with Ryan, Marissa was in the same place too. The only difference now was that a baby was cradled in Marissa's arms.

"That is...?" Marissa said, looking up from her tiny goddaughter.

"You've been dating 3 months, we've known him for, like, 4 and none of us have been to his place yet,"

"Why is that a problem?"

"Well, he could be hiding something weird; I mean a guy that perfect should have been taken well before you met him,"

"What weird thing could he be hiding?" Marissa said, amused by Summer's worry.

"He's my friend, Seth's best friend, your boyfriend, but he doesn't talk much. He could have ANYTHING!"

"Whatever Sum, so I take it you'll be please to know I'm going round tomorrow, I'm going to show how to really make Mac and Cheese."

"Very pleased,"

"You're getting just as neurotic as Seth these days,"

"I'm a mother of two, what can I say," Marissa laughed at how Summer referred to Seth as a child.

"Poor you,"

"I know," Summer held her hand to her forehead in pretend anxiety. Marissa laughed again. She couldn't remember being happier than she had been these past 3 months. It was all because of him.

*****************************************

"Hi," She greeted Ryan with a peck on the lips.

"Hey, I just got to grab something from upstairs, won't be a second," Ryan ran off, leaving Marissa standing in the hallway. She moved in to the living room, canvas paintings hung on the walls. It seemed like an ordinary place, nothing weird. She couldn't believe she let Summer even make her think about something like that. Though it was a little strange, he didn't seem to have pictures of anyone or of him. _That shouldn't surprise me _she thought _He's already told me he has no family. _"Hey," He was stood at the doorway.

"You got what you needed?" Marissa asked realising too late that he had a jumper on that hadn't been there before.

"Yep," He pulled at his jumper, teasing her. "So, ready to cook?"

"Come on," They ran into the kitchen and began getting out the necessary utensils.

"Have you ever cooked before?" Marissa asked.

"Not properly," _She_ always used to do it, Ryan said to himself.

"Properly is...?"

"Without jars or packets," Marissa laughed at him. "What?"

"You're 28 and you've never cooked properly?" She giggled. "I mean I suppose you are a man, but even Seth's cooked,"

"Seth has also worn lycra,"

"I think you'd look good in lycra," Marissa teased, though what she said was true.

"Well you're never going to find out! Now, do I just put the pasta on the hob?"

"Ryan you are joking?"

"What?"

"You seriously don't know you have to have water in it?"

"You do?" Cooking, he'd never understand it.

"God, you can't even do pasta; you are not going anywhere near the cheese sauce,"

"Suits me," Ryan flashed her a wide grin, she smiled back. He hadn't been this happy in a long time. It was all because of her.


	4. Painful Past in a Pleasant Present

_Hope you enjoy._

_Read and Review_

_Oh, forgot to mention something, Esme is Seth and Summer's daughter._

_xoxo_

Painful Past in a Pleasant Present

"You're Mom and Dad?" Ryan had been dreading this, meeting the parents.

"Come on, you've got to sometime, we've been dating for 4 months," Marissa pleaded with him.

"But their your...parents,"

"Yes Ryan, clever boy, now that we've worked that out, will you come? It's only a barbecue, Sandy and Kirsten and Seth and Summer are all going to be there and you're a big boy."

"But...they're...I'm..."

"Ryan, come," Marissa leant in her lips almost touching his.

"I think I'm busy," She snapped back upright.

"RYAN! Come on, what's wrong with you?" She was annoyed now; his shyness had been cute when she first asked him, now it was plain irritating.

"I just..." He couldn't help thinking of the last time he had met a girl's parents. They had been _her _parents.

"See no excuse! You're coming, even if I have to drag you there!"

"You really should spend less time with Summer, you're getting scary," He smiled, leaning back on the bed, she crawled on top of him. She could never be angry at him for long, he was too adorable.

***********************************************

"Hey," Ryan wandered into Seth and Summer's backyard. Seth and Marissa were in the pool whilst Summer and Marissa played with Esme by the side. Every time he saw Seth and Summer's little girl his heart went numb. Seth swam up to the side of the pool.

"Hey," Seth replied. Ryan slipped off his shoes and socks, rolled up his trousers and sat down, dipping his legs in the pool. He loosened his tie and took of his jacket. "So how come you still have to work when Marissa here lazes about all day?"

"I had a separate case," Seth opened his mouth. "Don't even ask me, it's killing me," Seth laughed.

Marissa and Summer moved closer, so they could join in conversation. "I hear your going to finally meet the devil?" Seth said.

"Seth!" Marissa moaned.

"What? I know she's your Mom, but she is Julie Cooper. Ryan did you hear about her porn tape? Biggest scandal to hit Newport, I'd say, apart from when this guy's, Marissa dated him like all through High School, but he was a jerk and a polo...anyway his Dad turned out to be gay, but that's nothing to do with Julie. Oh and apparently she clawed some girl just cause she 'looked' at Jimmy," Ryan raised his eyebrows.

"Seth, you're really not helping," Ryan said.

"Hey, I'll be here if she tried to kill you for taking her daughter away from her,"

"What?"

"Don't listen to him, he's..." Summer got cut off by Marissa.

"Seth?" Marissa offered.

"Yes, he's Seth," The friends laughed at Seth's expense, but he didn't mind it. As long as they were happy, so was he.

*************************************

"Are you sure, I mean we can go to the diner or..." Ryan looked at Marissa, his eyes pleading. He wasn't scared of meeting her parents or even of what they thought of him. He was scared of the memories it would bring back. Marissa rang the bell.

"You're meeting my parents," She pecked him on the lips. Sandy answered the door.

"Come in guys. Marissa I think your Mom and Dad are round the back with Kirsten and Esme, I'm not sure where Seth and Summer are." Ryan and Marissa stepped inside.

"I'll go find Seth and..." Marissa cut him off.

"No you don't, you're coming with me," She laughed as she grabbed his hand and led him outside. _Maybe I should ask why he's so scared, _she thought. _It's probably nothing, _she assured herself. "Hi Dad, Mom"

"Hey kiddo," Jimmy hugged Marissa tightly.

"Hi," Julie kissed her daughter on both cheeks. "So, Ryan?"

"Oh yeah, Mom, Dad this Ryan, Ryan this is Mom and Dad."

"Nice to meet you, we've heard a lot about you," Jimmy shook Ryan's hand.

"Same," Was all Ryan could say. Memories flashed in front of his eyes, for a second it wasn't Jimmy standing in front of him it was _her _Dad.

"Well, I've got to go barbecue, hopefully we'll talk later,"

"Sure," Jimmy walked off in the direction of the barbecue, shouting something to Sandy as he went. Julie motioned for Marissa and Ryan to come sit down with her.

"Now I know you haven't live her long, but I don't know where you lived before you moved," Julie said to Ryan.

"I lived in the countryside near Philadelphia,"

"The countryside? I thought all the houses were the size for families, not one man," Ryan swallowed hard; he wasn't going to explain everything to someone who was practically a stranger. He had to think of something and quick.

"Well..." Ryan began.

"RYAN!" Seth called. Ryan let out a sigh of relief, though luckily Marissa and Julie interpreted it as a sign of annoyance with Seth.

"I better go see what he wants, excuse me," Ryan got up and made his way over to the barbecue. "Yep?"

"Beer?" Seth held up a bottle.

"Sure," Ryan said, taking the beer from Seth's hand. It felt so good to have the cool liquid flowing through him, his throat felt dry and weak after the thoughts Julie's question had provoked in his mind.

"So, I feel very honoured, the barbecue masters have left me in charge," Seth pointed to where Sandy and Jimmy had joined the ever growing group of people around the table. Summer and Kirsten had arrived with Esme at almost the same moment the men did.

"Congratulations,"

"How's it going with Satan?"

"Fine, I guess. Haven't had chance to talk."

"Oh, am I interrupting?"

"Yes and I don't know how to thank you enough,"

"Ryan, they really aren't bad, especially Jimmy."

"Yeah, but it's kinda awkward,"

"Always is. It took Summer's dad ages to realise I wasn't going to hurt his little girl, if my Mom and Dad had a girl they'd be exactly the same." Seth expected some retort from Ryan about how Seth was a girl, but all he got was silence. Something was wrong. "Gunna tell me what's up buddy?" Ryan had been in a world of his own.

"Huh? Oh, it's nothing, nothing's wrong. Just thinking,"

"About...?"

"Stuff,"

"You know if my English teacher were here now she'd scold you. Stuff is not a very good word Ryan Atwood,"

"Fine then, I've been thinking about things," Seth knew when to stop prodding with Ryan, if he didn't want to talk, he didn't want to talk. He'd have to wait till later to find out.


	5. The Speech

The Speech

"So we each have to make a speech," Seth said, lying on the grass with Esme on his chest.

"For what?" Marissa asked.

"Some party Mom's hosting," Ryan stood up.

"You're not getting out of this," Seth yanked Ryan's arm, making him sit back down.

"What's it about?" Summer asked.

"Something about growing up and your experiences, Mom and Julie wanted an original party, something about people finding out things about each other. They'll be kids there, so one of us has to do something about what to expect, I dunno." Ryan rolled his eyes, it was times like these he really hated Newport.

"Hey, that'll be good for Ryan, he's Newport's Man of Mystery," Summer teased.

"Funny Summer," Ryan muttered. To tell the truth, he was worried about it, what would he say? He didn't want people finding out about his past.

"Come on it won't be that bad, you can rehearse on us," Seth said. "Let's get writing," Everyone looked down at the pieces of paper Seth had given them earlier, pens in their hands, not sure what to write.

Seth lasted an hour without trying to get everyone to read their speeches out, but he couldn't hold it any longer.

"Come on, let's hear them," Seth said as he sat upright rubbing his knees in anticipation. "Summer first,"

"Growing up is nothing to do with growing old, like someone said 'You are only young once but you can stay immature forever' Growing up is accepting responsibilities, being independent. Most importantly it is about acceptance. Accepting some things happen, that you have to move on. Accepting that the past can't be undone, that you do make mistakes but you have to keep going. You know you are grown up when you can accept you have done the wrong thing, but that you will make it right again. That is what growing up means to me." Summer smiled shyly, unsure if her speech was what was required.

"Very nice, mines just about how it feels to be a Dad, I don't need to run through it. Ryan?"

"I'll just do it on the night," Ryan replied, staring at the paper he had folded up so that nobody could see what he had written.

"Come on!" Summer moaned.

"No," Ryan stood up. "I've got to go,"

"Do ever get the feeling that there are things in his...past that he doesn't tell us about?" Seth asked, looking at Marissa and Summer.

"I'm sure of it," Summer said, her eyes followed Ryan until he was out of sight.

*************************************

"Seth Cohen," Julie said, standing back on the stage after Seth had made his speech. "Now we'll go to Ryan Atwood. Ryan come up here," Ryan stood up from his chair and gingerly stood up on the stage. Everyone was clapping, he felt so nervous. He could feel the sweat dripping off him.

"Hey." Ryan didn't look at the audience; he just stared at his piece of paper. "I wasn't sure what to put. Advice? Experiences? I just wasn't sure. So, for that reason I'm not sure how I should...classify what I'm going to say." He took a deep breath. "As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love." Ryan stopped; eventually had come too soon for him. "So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back." Ryan walked off stage, as quickly as he could. He wished he could love Marissa like he'd never been hurt. But he couldn't. He wished that he could give her everything. But he couldn't because he'd lost so much before he had met her. A small part of him wished he had met Marissa instead of meeting _her_. But that was a small part. No matter how much he had been hurt in the end, he would never replace or regret the years of joy.

He sat down in his seat next Marissa and took a huge gulp of water. For most people it would be something alcoholic, but Ryan had seen what it had done to his Mom. That's why he had never turned to drink to solve his problems with _her_.

"Wow, Ryan that was..." Kirsten was lost for words. Ryan had almost become a son to her in the past few months and she was worried about him, just as everyone else was. There was something he wasn't telling them about.

"I don't think I've ever heard you say that much," It's all Seth could think to say. Ryan's speech had been empowering, amazing, but at the same time worrying. Ryan never talked about previous girlfriends that might have broken his heart; in fact Ryan didn't talk about anything much that had taken place before he moved to Newport. Seth wanted to know who had let Ryan down. He presumed it was his Mom, on the rare occasion that he said anything about her it was said with disgust. "Ryan, are you ok?" Seth asked. Ryan was staring into his glass, swilling the water around.

"Yeah," Ryan stood up. "I'm gunna go, see you all soon," He didn't say goodbye; he never wanted to have to say the word goodbye ever again. He was going to hold on to these people, people he loved. He was going to keep them, unlike last time. He wasn't going to mess up again. He would be better this time. But right now all he wanted to be was alone.

He wandered along the beach for a while, just staring at his feet, thinking about everything. Eventually he made his way home. He went upstairs and collapsed onto his bed. He wanted to forget everything, he wanted to rewind and stop tonight happening. Because now Marissa and everyone else were worried and because he loved them he couldn't lie to them. He had to tell them. He didn't know how.

He slept, it was the only escape.


	6. Changing

_Hey, so I'm starting to think I should reply to some of your reviews. I'll do it in the next chapter. For now I just need to tell uknoit that there will be some more RM scenes, theres a little in this chapter and I'm thinking there will be quite a bit in th next, but I haven't written it so not totally sure._

_I first started writing this with one thing about Ryan's past and revealing it. But since you guys like it I've been trying to think of ways to expand on it, make it better. I'm also thinking of some drama for Marissa so ideas would be appreciated! I thought of an awesome idea (well I think it is) for Ryan, and I like it cause it also involves other charcters, though I'm not sure how I should write them or if I'll be any good at it, but let's cross that bridge when we get there. For now, enjoy!_

_Read and Review :D_

_xoxo_

Changing

That weekend Ryan tried his hardest to avoid everyone. He didn't want to talk until it was absolutely essential; a very small naive part of him even hoped that they had all forgotten about the whole thing. It was Monday and now there was no avoiding it. He worked with Marissa. And as he walked across the parking lot into the office a thought crossed his mind. Had he made things worse by avoiding them, especially Marissa? Would she be angry? Too late for that, he thought as wandered toward the receptionist.

"Fran, is Marissa in today?" He wasn't sure why he had asked. He already knew the answer. Even if Marissa was ill she'd have come into work just to see him, check he was ok. She was like that. He loved that.

"Sure honey," Said the receptionist. They had formed a friendship. It turned out she had been a newcomer to Newport 10 years ago and just like Ryan she had despised it at first. And just like Ryan the place had grown on her.

"Thanks," Ryan began to walk away when Fran called him back.

"You got mail," She said, giving him a letter. He looked at her bemused; he didn't know anyone who would send a letter to his offices addressed directly to him. Usually it was addressed to the company and would be handed onto him. "Don't ask me," She smiled at him, he looked pretty rough. She'd ask him about it later.

"Thanks," Ryan headed off again, this time not being called back. He slowly opened the door and stepped inside his office. Marissa was on the phone, presumably to a client. It didn't matter how early he got in, she always seemed to be earlier. Her desk was still just as messy as it had been on his first day and his was just as tidy. He sat down in his chair, avoiding eye contact. He stared at the letter, that Fran had given him, for a few moments. He noticed it had a 3rd class stamp on it. Why would someone who couldn't afford at least a 2nd class stamp be sending a letter to one of the most expensive law firms in America? Then he realised, they weren't sending it to the law firm, they were sending it to him. He quickly glanced over at Marissa, she was still on the phone. He decided to open the letter.

_Ryan,_

_How are you? You never told me you were moving! I phoned your office and they said you'd gone to some big law firm. I couldn't find your home address, so I hope it's ok sending this to your work. What have you been doing since we last spoke? Have you had a family of your own yet? _

_I guess you're wondering why I'm writing to you after 15 years. I started going to AA 7 years ago. Now I've been sober for 18 months I think I'm finally able to be a proper mother. Maybe it's too late and I'd understand if it was, I haven't done a very good job. But I want to prove to you that I've changed and that you don't have to look after me. I want to show I'm capable of looking after myself and you, though you're probably too old to need me looking after you. I wish I had been able to do things right the first time round, but I didn't. I hope you can give me a second chance, but even if you can't I will always love you. I want you to be able to be proud of me, to not be ashamed of me. I'm really proud of you, of what you've achieved._ _My details are:_

_4102 Baker Str. _

_Chino_

_CA_

_91708 909_

_909 627 8347_

_So I'm still living in the same place. _

_I hope you can come visit, bring someone along, I want to know about you and your life, so that includes the people in it. _

_I love you Ryan._

_Love Always_

_Mom xxx_

Ryan didn't move. He just sat, reading the letter over and over again. He didn't notice Marissa finish her phone call or that she had come over to his desk. His mind only returned to noticing anything around him when she put her hand on his shoulder.

"Ryan, are you ok?" She said softly.

"I'm..." He was still staring at the letter. He couldn't really believe it. Why was his Mom contacting him all of a sudden? He knew there had to be something more than what she had said. This was Dawn Atwood after all. Why now? Just when he thought things couldn't get more complicated. She didn't say anything, because she knew him. And she knew silence was the best thing. He loved how she knew the right thing to do, he loved that she knew him that well. When Ryan had had enough time to fully take in what he'd read, he began to speak. "It's from my Mom," He turned around so he could see her face. Sometimes it was the only comfort he could find in the world. A time like now. "She wants to see me,"

"That's good, isn't it? You haven't seen her since you were 13," That was one little thing he'd told her about my past, he'd refused to go into details.

"She was an alcoholic, so was her boyfriend. He'd beat Mom up and when me or Trey tried to stop him he'd beat us up too. She left me in a home because money spent on me was money better spent on drink," Ryan looked down. He was ashamed and frightened. What if Marissa didn't want to know that once he'd lived in a Chino slum, what if she was frightened off by his past? He didn't want to lose her. "It was probably best. If she hadn't I'd either be in jail or dead by now."

"Ryan, I'm sorry." She seemed stunned, shocked. All other problems left his mind that moment, all he needed to know was if she'd stay, even after she heard this. If she had any hesitation there would be no hope of her staying if or when she found out about everything else, because that was a lot worse. Maybe it wouldn't have been too bad if he'd told her at the very beginning, but now he hadn't told her everything seemed worse. No matter how much he wanted to sometimes, he just couldn't tell her.

"Will you stay?"

"Stay...?" Marissa was confused.

"You won't break up because of my past?"

"Never," The thought hadn't even crossed her mind. The only thing going through her mind was worry for him. She pecked his cheek. "Coffee?"

"Yeah," He said. In a strange way, even though everything was far from perfect, with his Mom, with his past, for that tiny moment his life seemed perfect. Maybe it was the flutter of joy he felt when she said never. Maybe it was the peck. Defiantly it was her.


	7. Doorbells

_For the impatient chinocoop18 :D Check out her stories, they rock my socks off and are the reason I began writing fan fiction :D_

_Xoxo_

_Georgie _

Doorbells

Ryan approached Marissa's apartment, he needed to explain the situation with his Mom properly. It was the least he could do. He rang the bell. After getting no answer he rang it again. He waited 10 minutes and there was still no answer. Fuck, he thought as he remembered she'd said something about going to see her Mom. He weighed out his options. He could wait until tomorrow, but he probably wouldn't be in the 'mood' for talking tomorrow. No he had to go now.

He quickly got back into his car and backed out the driveway. He drove, watching as the beach flashed passed him and soon he was away, into a street of ridiculously huge houses. He pulled into the drive and got out. When he rang the doorbell on this house he got an answer.

"Ryan!" Julie said, shocked to see him stood there.

"Hi," Ryan said.

"Come in," Julie ushered Ryan into the house. "I take it you're looking for Marissa?"

"Yeah, she wasn't at home so I fig..." Before he could finish his sentence Jimmy came running down the stairs with a pink teddy bear in his hands. Marissa ran down after him, obviously trying to get the bear back.

"Look who I fo..." Jimmy didn't finish his sentence. "Oh, hi Ryan,"

"Hi," Ryan said as he watched Marissa glaring at her Dad.

"If you value your life you'll give me the bear!" She said.

"I'm sure Ryan wants to know all about Share Bear!" Jimmy grinned at Ryan. He hated to dampen the mood, but he really needed to talk to Marissa.

"Maybe later..." Ryan looked at Marissa. "Can we...talk?" He said. In a second he saw Marissa expression change from happiness to curiosity to worry.

"Sure, um, follow me," She said as she led him away from her parents, through some French doors and into the yard. There were sheets all over the patio, paint brushes and paint cans were scattered about the place. They sat down on a bench.

"The house needed painting and Dad decided it would be a fun family activity, so sorry about the mess... and the clothes," She added as she remembered she was wearing an old shirt of her Dad's with some joggers.

"It's fine," Ryan said and gave her a weak smile. He stared into her eyes silently.

"You wanted to talk...?" Marissa said.

"Marissa, I need to tell you about me, so you understand. I can't tell you everything, at least not now, but I'll tell you as much as I can. I don't do talking, so sometimes I'll probably speak to fast, just tell me if I am." She looked at him. She knew how hard it was for him to open up to people, to let his barriers down. She couldn't imagine how difficult it was going to be for him to relive the memories. But he was doing it. For her. "So, I never knew my Dad. Mom never said who he was or what he...meant to her. If he was a fling or something more. I don't know if he even knows he has a kid. I really don't know. I've got a brother, called Trey, he's my half brother and his Dad was off the scene, just like mine. I guess everything was ok. Well, probably not ok by your standards, but by Chino standards we did alright. Mom had a job at a laundrette and we went to school every day. Then Mom met this guy called Darren when I was 7. He was an alcoholic and Mom started to drink with him. Pretty soon she became addicted, to a lot more than just the alcohol. When he first started beating her up Trey tried to defend her, but in the end he couldn't do it anymore. He'd broken loads of bones and they never healed properly 'cause Darren wouldn't let him go to hospital. Then they broke up and Mom seemed to move from scumbag to scumbag, but none of them beat us up, so that was a...improvement. Trey started getting involved with gangs, which meant he spent most of his time on the streets or at the police station, so when Darren came back I was the only one there." Marissa found it so hard to look at him. He was hurting so much; she couldn't believe all this had happened to him. "Mom and Darren got back together and he moved in. I tried to defend her, but I was only 12 and he was a huge guy. Mom's addiction kept getting worse and worse and in the end she'd rather have drugs than me. She left me in the nearest home, it was a shit hole. I used to ride my bike out here, to Newport, it took me ages, but I'd do it, every weekend. I'm not sure why, maybe to look at all the things I'd never have. Sometimes I'd see a happy family on the beach and in my head I'd change the faces of the people so that it was me splashing about in the waves, so it was my Mom calling for me to not go too far out. I suppose it was jealousy. I used to think it was unfair, why did I have to be the one with a fucked up, lame excuse for a family. I guess it just made me stronger, more versatile. I got taught if you never dream, you never get disappointed. So that's what I did. I accepted the fact I was going to be Chino scum for the rest of my life." Thoughts rushed through Marissa's mind. How did he manage to become a lawyer? "Then Trey showed up. He showed me what life would be like for me, he said I'd turn out like him and he wasn't going to let me. He told me dreams cost nothing, so you may as well dream high. I worked hard at school, but I could never work my best, I'd get beaten up if I looked like a swot. Trey made me go to school every day, he'd check up on me every weekend. Made sure I was doing the right stuff; made sure I didn't join any gangs or do any stupid shit. Then he arranged all my college applications and drove me to my interviews. I would be nowhere without him. Then as soon as I got into a college, he disappeared. He said if I wanted to make it good, get away from Chino for real, I had to leave him behind. He made me promise not to go looking for him. I suppose at one point I hoped the letter was from him. He's the only person from my past who I'd want to see." That wasn't strictly true, but it would have been impossible for him to see the others ever again. "My Mom has no right to suddenly come into my life. She did nothing for me; she may as well have left, like my Dad. Just because I knew who my Mom was and I saw her, doesn't mean that she raised me anymore than my Dad did. Trey sacrificed making himself better, to make me better. He couldn't have a childhood 'cause he was always looking after me. I hate my Mom, not just because she fucked up being a Mom to me, but also because in fucking up with that she ruined any hopes of Trey's."

"Ryan..." Marissa didn't know what to say. She knew he wouldn't cry, she felt like crying for him. She had been totally oblivious that people had childhoods like that. That it was really real, that it wasn't just soap operas.

"It's ok," Ryan said. "I guess I just needed to tell you, so you'd understand,"

"I'm glad you did,"

"Me too," They kissed and in that moment Ryan felt everything was going to be alright. He'd tell her the rest of his life another time, it wouldn't matter when, all that mattered was that she was his future and hopefully never his past. Still in an embrace Ryan reached his hand down to the nearest pot of paint, dipped it in then slid his hand down Marissa face, getting the paint everywhere. He'd talked now he wanted some fun. She shot up, pulling away from the kiss. She put her finger on her cheek and brought it back into her view to see white paint all over it.

"RYAAAAAAN!" She screamed as she chased him back into the house. He grabbed Share Bear from where Jimmy had left it and it in front of him.

"You wouldn't want to hurt Share Bear!"

"RYAN PUT SHARE BEAR DOWN!"

"Touchy, have I got some completion in the form of a bear?" She raised her eyebrows. He put the bear down, put his hands on her cheeks, not caring that they were covered in paint, and pulled her in for a kiss. She didn't care that her parents had probably seen everything. He had finally opened up to her and that meant more than anything had ever done before. He trusted her. The moment was ruin by the sound of the doorbell. Marissa answered.

"Hi, Summer," Marissa said, looking at her best friend.

"Hey Coop," Summer was trying to find something in her bag and hadn't looked up to see Marissa's face. "I came to invite you all to a barbe...What the hell happened to your face?"

"Paint fight, want to join in?" Marissa teased, knowing her friends answer.

"If only I weren't in my best clothes..."

"That have baby sick down them?"

"Shit," Summer said, looking down at her top. There was nothing there. "Not funny Coop! Anyway, we're having a barbecue at Sandy and Kirsten's and you're all invited." Summer noticed Ryan behind Marissa. "Hey, Ryan,"

"Hey Summer," Ryan didn't look up he was too busy trying to find something to wipe the paint of his hand.

"You're coming too," Ryan had successfully found a towel and now looked up to answer Summer's question.

"I'm...when is it?"

"Tonight and don't worry it's just family,"

"I might be able to come," Ryan looked at Summer's glare. "I can defiantly come,"

"I was hoping for a signed contract, but I guess that will have to do. Now love birds, don't get too lost in each other and forget," Ryan looked at Marissa with his trademark sideways stare.

"Summer, what time do you want us there?"

"6...and Ryan...be prepared," Ryan's eyes widen with worry. Summer laughed at this. "Seth wants a video game tournament,"

"I don't do video games,"

"If you want to carry on being friends with Seth, you do." Summer smiled and turned. "See you later,"


	8. Easy Tasks

Easy tasks

"Ryan hold Esme," Summer placed her daughter into Ryan's arms, without giving him a choice. It was hard for him to hold her, so hard to look at the little child. All it did was bring back memories, memories of things he had lost. He stroked her brunette hair. All the time memories flashing back to him.

"_She's adorable," _

"_Her eyes are just like Sarah's." Ryan didn't add to the comments, he just stared at the little creature. This was a miracle, the miracle of life._

Esme started crying. Seth got up, ready to take her, but Ryan just stood up and wondered to the other end of the garden, gently soothing her as he walked. Soon she was peaceful again. Ryan stood for a while staring out at the waves, holding the baby tight to his chest.

"How does he do that?" Seth said to his Mom after observing Ryan silencing Esme. Seth now looked at where Ryan stood.

"Don't ask me, it took your father at least a year." Kirsten replied.

"I can't even do it as well as him and I'm a...her Dad,"

"I don't know how he does it, handling babies isn't an easy task!" Sandy said.

"I think we all know Ryan isn't your usual guy," Summer said, she had returned from her errand. "Right Coop?" Marissa turned her head quickly to face Summer. She had been observing Ryan; thinking about how amazing he was. But also about how mysterious he was. She wasn't quite sure if she liked the mystery or not.

"He's...different," Was all Marissa could think to say.

"Mysterious and different, he's quite an interesting guy," Julie said, she also looked on to where Ryan was standing. "I can't wait to find out about his past,"

"Mom, stop talking about him like he's a fucking murder mystery show," Marissa stood up and stormed into the house. She was fed up of her Mom. She was always meddling, always interfering. She was such a heartless bitch sometimes. Marissa wondered how on earth she could be related to someone like that, they had absolutely nothing in common. Julie stood up to follow her daughter, but Summer put a hand on her shoulder.

"I'll go," Summer said, no softness in her voice. Julie Cooper was an absolute first class bitch sometimes. Summer walked into the house after Marissa. She found her in the kitchen. "Hey,"

"Hey, sorry," Marissa said, staring down at a glass of wine she had just poured out. Summer sat down next to her.

"What's up?"

"Mom just..." Summer interrupted her.

"What's really up? I mean it can't be just your Mom," Marissa looked up at Summer defeated. How could she know her so well?

"I'm scared, about what he's not telling me. I'm annoyed that he doesn't...trust me enough to tell me. Mom makes it worse," Marissa stared at her glass for a while. "I'm really frightened Sum."

"You've got nothing to be frightened about,"

"I'm in love with someone whose past is almost a mystery to me."

"You love him?"

"It's stupid, I know, but..."

"It's not stupid, it's brilliant. Love is the best thing in the world."

"Only when it's given in return,"

"I think he loves you, he just finds it difficult to show it or say it,"

"He finds it difficult to say anything,"

"He opened up to you today at your Mom's, didn't he?"

"Yeah, but it was hard for him to..." Summer interrupted her again.

"That makes it better. If it was easy for him it would have meant nothing. Absolutely nothing. But the fact that it was so hard, but he still did it, means everything." It was all Marissa needed to hear. Conformation of her thoughts.

"Sum," Marissa hugged her best friend. "You're the best,"

"Come on, lover boy will be getting worried," Summer linked arms with her best friend.

"Stop calling him lover boy,"

"Would you prefer toy boy?"

"Hey! He's only a couple of months younger than me!" The two women laughed as they sat back down.

***************************************

"What?" Seth stared wide eyed at Ryan.

"Look it's easy, just..." Ryan was cut off by Seth.

"E...E...Easy??!! 15kg??? That's NOT easy!" Seth protested. Summer and Marissa laughed.

"Your Daddy is such a weakling," Marissa teased, tickling Esme as she said it.

"OI! Watch it!" Seth said, fake sternness lining his voice.

"Seth, it's easy, I could do it when I was 11,"

"When I was 11 the biggest workout my arms had was being raised in triumph. That's probably still the most exercise I get now, as my dear Summer is too busy sleeping ready for baby raising," Marissa laughed.

"Just cause you two go at it like rabbits!" Summer exclaimed in her defence. Marissa opened her mouth in pretend horror. "Oh, I've seen you making out and I know it gets a lot steamier than that!" Marissa giggled like a school girl whilst Ryan rolled his eyes.

"Seth, lift the weight," Ryan said, running out of patience.

"I don't think this whole weight training thing was a good idea, I mean..."

"Seth, if you don't lift the pathetic excuse for a weight right now..."

"What do you mean pathetic excuse!!?? 15 kilograms!!! 15!!!"

"Seth, that's less than airline baggage maximum,"

"But at airports you have those really neat trolleys that you can put your stuff on. Then little men from Mexico are sat underneath this big conveyor belt and they lift everything onto the plane, I saw it on the documentary channel,"

"Seth, promise never to complain about not getting manly jobs again and I won't make you do this," Ryan couldn't believe it had all started because Seth thought it was unfair Ryan got given all the butch jobs when setting things up and Seth was left putting out table clothes. Apparently it was ruining his image. When Ryan asked why Seth needed and image if he already had a girl, Seth walked away. When Ryan told Seth he didn't have an image to ruin, Seth simply pretended not to hear.

"Promise, now can I eat something, all that thinking about exercise has got me hungry," Seth sat patting his stomach.

"God, you never stop do you?"

"No, Ryan, I don't."

"What do you want?"

"I'll come with you, I want to choose"

"Seth it's my fridge, not a store, how much food do you think I have?"

"Not enough, my friend," Seth said, slapping Ryan on the back as they went inside.

"Will a sandwich be enough for the monster?" Ryan said teasing as he got out some bread.

"If I get 3, yes, I think it will suffice," Seth replied, searching for a filling.

"3 as in, 6 slices of bread?"

"Yes, Ryan," Ryan would never understand how Seth could eat so much, exercise so little and still stay thin as a rake. "Now, for the filling..." Seth fumbled around in the fridge until he found the answer. Cheese, ham, pickles, lettuce, tomatoes and many other things. When he had finished Ryan eyed his friend's creation.

"That looks disgusting," Ryan said, repulsed. Seth stroke the sandwiches.

"Don't listen to him, he's just a big meany." Seth said as he went back to join the others

"Talking to a sandwich," Ryan muttered to himself. He tidied up the mess Seth had made then made his way outside. As he went he called out. "Seth, if you ever make a mess like that again, I'll..." Ryan stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of her. Blonde hair flowed down to her shoulders, blue eyes pierced his gaze.

"Hi, you're office gave me the address," She said.

"Mom?"


	9. Confusion

Confusion

Ryan stood still, surprised and horrified to see his Mom. Why was she here? He hadn't replied to her letter, so why did she think she had the right to come mess everything up again?

"Hi, Ryan," Ryan didn't reply, he just glared at Dawn. "Your friends are very nice,"

"What are you doing here?" Ryan said, showing no emotion apart from anger.

"You got my letter?" Ryan nodded. "Then you know."

"What that you think it's ok to just come into my life again after 15 years?"

"Ryan, I wouldn't put it like..."

"How would you put it then? You've run out of money, need a few bucks? Maybe you can use them to fund you addictions,"

"Ryan, I'm clean, I promise,"

"You know what; I don't want to talk about this here. It's embarrassing."

"You're embarrassed about me?"

"Who wouldn't be?" Ryan glared at his Mother again; he wasn't going to forgive her easily, though she had known that. Ryan turned his back and began to walk off. "Follow me," He said, half hoping she wouldn't hear; he really didn't want or need this, he could never forgive her, never. She did as he said though and followed straight after him. Ryan took her into the lounge.

"Ryan, I know you must be so mad at me, but listen..." She began.

"Listen? You want me to listen you?" He said in disgust.

"Yes, Ryan, I do. You think it was easy for me? I had Trey when I was too young. Then I had you as the result of a one night stand..."

"So, I was an accident? You never wanted me in the first place, that's a great excuse for the way you raised us," Ryan mocked.

"Ryan, you were...you are a brilliant accident. I loved you from the moment you were born."

"Oh, so that's what love means, abandoning people. God, someone should have taught me earlier. I guess that was another job my parents failed at..."

"RYAN STOP BEING A CHILD AND LISTEN!"

"Stop being a child? I NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO BE A CHILD! I WAS ALWAYS LOOKING AFTER YOU OR GETTING BEATEN UP!"

"I know and I'm sorry. But I've changed, really changed. I haven't had a drink in 18 months. I haven't done any drugs in 5 years. I'm better. I went to rehab"

"Going into rehab doesn't wipe away memories,"

"I'm sorry," Silence followed.

"Do you know why I'm here?" Ryan asked. Dawn looked puzzled.

"You made yourself better, you got yourself out,"

"No, Trey made me better, Trey got me out. Trey did your job, Mom. But that's just why I'm a lawyer, it doesn't answer my question."

"Why are you here?"

"Because I lost everything...again. I got left behind again. And I don't want to talk about it, especially not to you, but it shows how much of my life you've missed. Not just graduation, birthdays and material things. You've missed me growing up into a man. You've missed me building myself up just to fall down again. You've just come in when I'm starting again, when I'm getting better. And I'm scared you're going to fuck it up for me. And I don't know what would happen if I lost everything for a third time."

"Ryan, I won't ruin everything for you. And I don't care if it takes days, weeks, months or years, I don't care what it takes, I want to show that you can trust me again,"

"I haven't trusted you since I was 7." Dawn ignored Ryan's comment, it wasn't an opinion it was a fact and she knew it. It hurt her.

"Ryan, I love you, more than anything. I'm not going to let you go. We all make mistakes, I'm sorry that mine were bigger than most. I'm sorry that they were to do with you. I want to make it right."

"You know nothing about me,"

"You're my son, I know..." Ryan cut her off.

"You don't know who I am. You know who I was up to the age of 7, after that I'm a mystery to you."

"By what your friends said it seems you're a bit of a mystery to everyone. What happened before you moved here?"

"That's my business, not yours." Memories flashed back; a bride's family standing tall, proud and smiling, when the groom had no family. The thought that one day he would start one, make his own family, was one of the few comforts he found. The other was that it was her stood next to him. She was the best thing in his life, the reason he was still standing.

"Ok. Ryan, will you let me see you?" He was silent. "Ryan, I want to be there when my grandkids are born," Too late, he thought to himself. "I want to be there for you, happy or sad. I don't care if you never forgive me, I wouldn't blame you. I just want to be there for you, always, even when you don't want me."

"Wait here," Ryan said as he left the room. He returned later with a piece of paper. He handed it to her. "Phone and address. But don't just drop in like today. Tell me in advance," He said his words quite detached, like he didn't want to say them at all.

"Thank you," Dawn was in tears, she was nowhere near the finish line, but at least she had been allowed to start the race. It would take a lot more to be a mother again, but as she had said, she was willing to do whatever it took.

"Don't...cry," Ryan said. He didn't put a hand on her shoulder or pull her into a hug. He wasn't ready for that.

"Thank you so much,"

"It's ok," Dawn rubbed her eyes. "Want me to call you a cab?"

"Dan's waiting, I'm ok,"

"Dan...?"

"He's my boyfriend, he's brilliant, nothing like...Darren. He's really nice and understanding."

"I guess he'd have to be if he was dating you," Ryan realised afterwards how spiteful this comment sounded. "I didn't mean it like..."

"I know, my background, it's ok. I'll phone you,"

"Yeah," She turned to leave and had made it to the door when she turned around. "I love you Ryan,"

"Yeah," He couldn't return the affection, not yet; he doubted he could ever say it and truly mean it. He could never say it the way he said it to _her_.

Dawn left, closing the door behind her. Ryan was so confused. She was his mother, but he couldn't help but think that she hadn't truly been a mother since he was 7.


	10. Birthday Boy

Birthday Boy

"Hey," Marissa sat as she joined him, sitting down on the sand. He put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her in tight. He needed to feel she was there. She was the only person in the world who could help him through this.

"Hey," He replied, not turning his head away from the ocean, the sun beginning to set on the horizon.

"It's your birthday tomorrow,"

"Yeah,"

"Do you want to do something?"

"I hate my birthday,"

"Why?"

"I...I just do," He could have told her there and then, told her all that was left to tell, told her what had eluded his lips since he had met her. But he didn't.

"Ryan, I'm scared,"

"I'm fine," She turned his head gently so his eyes were looking into hers.

"I don't know about you, about your past,"

"It's my past, it doesn't matter."

"Yes it does, it shapes you, makes you who you are," Marissa took a deep breath. "You've got to let me in, let me know about you. Because sometimes I just don't understand what you're feeling or why and that hurts."

"Marissa, you know more about me than anyone else in the world,"

"But it's still not enough," He turned his face to the ground. He couldn't bear looking at her. It was the fact he knew she was right that hurt the most. "Ryan, I love you," It was the first time either of them had said it. He looked up quickly, staring into her emerald eyes.

"You...love me?"

"More than anything." She started crying, she wasn't sure why. It was just one of those moments. "I'm so scared because I love you and I know next to nothing about you. I'm scared that I'm just the side girl, then you'll go back to Philly and it will be over."

"Marissa," Ryan pulled her chin up. "I planned on staying the year, then moving on, I didn't think I could stand being here longer than that. But now, I don't care where I am, as I long as I'm with you," He pulled her into an embrace and she collapsed into his arms.

Marissa's worries hadn't gone, it was possible they had been made worse by his reluctance to talk, but at least she knew one thing. He wouldn't leave. But as she sat there, cradled in his arms, she couldn't help thinking of one thing. He had never said he loved her.

*******************************************************

As Seth, for the first time in his life, lifted the heavy box out into the garden a conversation from weeks ago drifted into his mind.

"_Hi, it's Dawn," Came from the other end of Seth's mobile._

"_Hey," Seth replied, wondering why Ryan's Mom would be ringing him. They'd met quite a few times; she been coming to see Ryan quite regularly for 2 months now._

"_So, it's Ryan's birthday in 2 weeks,"_

"_Yep,"_

"_I was wondering if you wanted to help throw a surprise birthday party. He'd never agree to one if we asked, but I think he'd like it if we got some friends together and stuff."_

"_Yeah, that would be awesome. I'll phone you later, I'm just about to go into a meeting,"_

"_Oh, sorry for interrupting you,"_

"_It's fine, honestly. I better go now. Call you later,"_

"_Bye,"_

"_Bye,"_

A few phone calls later and the plan was in action. Summer, Marissa, Sandy and Kirsten had all got in on it too. Now it was an hour until Ryan and Marissa got back from work. The plan was that she'd insist on driving him home, instead of his usual walking, then she'd make him go to Seth and Summer's house because she needed to 'pick something up'. Marissa had been phoning every spare moment. She was convinced that after what he had said last night Ryan wouldn't like the party, though everyone else assured her otherwise.

**************************************

"Where we going?" Ryan said, noticing she had taken a different turning.

"Summer's. I need to borrow a dress," Ryan had seen Marissa's wardrobe and he was unsure why she would need to borrow anything. He looked at her questioningly. "I might not be a full on Newpsie, but I am a girl." Ryan just shook his head and returned to looking out the window.

When they arrived he stayed sat in the car, when Marissa got out she walked round and opened his door.

"Come on," She said, hand on hip.

"But you're borrowing a dress, not me," He said moodily. He had been like this all day, quieter than usual, antisocial. She raised her eyebrows.

"Ryan, come on,"

"Look, I don't want to get out, I was just going to walk home. I don't get why you've made me come along."

"Ryan, get out of the damn car and go talk to Seth. God knows you haven't talked to anyone else,"

"Fucking hell," Ryan muttered as he reluctantly stepped out of the car. She put her hand in his and led him in. She was sure he'd hate it now. She led him into the living room.

"SURPRISE!" They shouted as they jumped out from all angles. Summer, Seth, Kirsten, Sandy, Julie, Jimmy. Dawn wasn't there; she'd called to say she was ill. Ryan stood for a while, a stern look on his face. Then he turned and stormed out the door. Marissa ran after him.

"What's wrong?" She said as she approached him.

"I told you all I didn't want anything," He said, jaw clenched.

"It's your birthday, we have to celebrate." He spun round, his eyes bloodshot.

"WHY...DON'T...YOU...GET...IT!?" He shouted, his words disjointed. "THERE'S NOTHING TO CELEBRATE!"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!??? YOU KNOW WHAT, RYAN, GO HOME AND SULK, LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO! DON'T TALK TO ANYONE, IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE GOING TO MISS YOU, YOU NEVER TALK ANYWAY!"

"FUCK OFF MARISSA! I SAID I DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING AND YOU'VE GONE AND THROWN SOME BIG PARTY! I THINK I SHOULD BE ASKING WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!"

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME??? IT'S CALLED FRIENDS RYAN! WE'RE ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND WE WANTED TO MAKE YOU HAPPY!"

"WELL YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE ME HAPPY, IF YOU WNATED TO MAKE ME HAPPY YOU WOULD HAVE LEFT ME ALONE!"

"LEAVE YOU ALONE? FINE I WILL. I'M FED UP! FED UP OF YOU NEVER TALKING ABOUT YOU'RE PROBLEMS, FED UP OF KNOWING FUCK ALL ABOUT YOU. I'M FED UP WITH YOU!"

"I DON'T HAVE TO TELL ANYONE ANYTHING!" Ryan stormed off, Marissa watched him until he was out of sight, tears forming in her eyes.


	11. Cuts and Bruises

Cuts and Bruises

Ryan didn't go into work the next month. He sat at home, pondering on life's problems. He knew what he did was wrong; he shouldn't have acted like that. But they didn't understand. Then he thought about why they didn't understand. The truth was that was his fault too, he hadn't told them anything that would help them understand. He wished they had all just done what he said and left it alone, acted like it was a normal day. The worst of it was he doubted Marissa would ever speak to him again. It must have been boiling over, the annoyance with him. He remembered how worried she had been about not knowing about him before. He felt like such an arsehole.

He reached for the bottle of vodka. It was still full. He had been trying to make himself drink it for the past 3 hours, but he couldn't. Whenever he put it to his lips all he could think about was what it had done to his Mom. No, he could never be like that. But what did it matter? He didn't have Marissa by his side, which meant he had nothing. He threw the bottle against the wall as hard as he could. It smashed into tiny pieces on the hard, tiled floor. Vodka flowed in between the tile joins. He sat staring at it. He didn't care about the mess. He'd tidy up later, if he could ever be bothered. He wandered into his gym. He started on the punch bag, not even bothering to wrap his hands. He carried on until his knuckles were blue and bloody.

It was like déjà vu. He had done this when _it _had happened. He shut himself away, not caring what happened, not bothering about the world, not even bothering about himself. Then he moved and met Marissa and everything changed. He became the guy he once was again, the guy who laughed and joked with his friends. Now he was finding himself morphing back into the monster.

There was a faint knock at the door and the person let themselves in.

"Seth, I can't be bothered," Ryan moaned. Seth had been coming round every day, trying to make him go see Marissa or at least talk to her on the phone. Ryan gave up listening after the first few visits. They were all the same, all totally useless. She would never speak to him, so why get his hopes up. He didn't hear Seth walking back out. "Please, just leave me alone, I told you I'm going and that's final." Ryan had decided he was moving away from Newport and he had told Seth yesterday. He didn't care where, just as long as it was away. He was running away from his past again, he'd done it 3 times and each time it became harder. Knowing that no good came of it, but somehow he couldn't help himself. He couldn't do anything else. It was how he was programmed. He had run from Chino, then Philly and now he could add Newport to his list in a few days. Still no sound of the door closing. Ryan made his way into the hall. "I'm sorry, Seth, I know you want me to stay, but I can't, I just can't..." He stopped when he got there. She was stood there, in all her beauty, just stood there. Words stuck in Ryan's throat, he couldn't seem to make any sound come out.

He stood dumbfounded, eyes staring.

"Seth told me you were leaving," Marissa was the first to speak.

"Yeah," Ryan's mind wasn't able to process this. He had lost her, she hated him. They hadn't spoken or seen each other for a month.

"Where?"

"Don't know," Ryan swallowed hard.

"Philly?"

"No,"

"Why?"

"I...I've already left,"

"So, you can't go back?"

"I...I...guess,"

"If you left here, that would mean you couldn't come back?"

"I...guess,"

"They want you to stay,"

"I know, but not everyone does,"

"Who doesn't?"

"You," They stood in silence for a while.

"I guess that's right," Marissa broke the silence.

"Yeah,"

"I don't want you to stay," He already knew it, but it hurt even more hearing it from her. "I don't want you to stay, I need you to," Ryan stood, unable to process what he had just heard.

"You...you don't hate me?"

"Of course I don't. I was angry, annoyed. I...I just need you to talk to me," Ryan's eyes glazed over.

"I...I thought...I thought you..."

"You thought wrong," Still neither of them moved. She couldn't bear it any longer. God he was stupid sometimes. Why didn't he just kiss her now? She ran at him; planting her lips onto his before he could say anything else.

"I'm putting this in my box," He muttered when they had separated.

"What?"

"Nothing," Ryan said, stroking her hair. He wrapped his arms around her.

"Why don't you like your birthday?"

"I..." Ryan wasn't sure if he should say it now. He didn't want to ruin anything, he was sure she'd leave the moment she found out. "It brings back memories. Bad memories."

"Of...?" Ryan was silent. "This is it Ryan, you have to tell me about this stuff," She said softly.

"Philly. Something happened in Philly...on my birthday. I haven't talked about it. To anyone." It hurt for him to just think about it. "A friend died," It was all he could say. It was partly true, though not the full truth, he couldn't talk about that.

"And celebrating your birthday is like..."

"Celebrating their death," Ryan said bluntly.

"I'm sorry,"

"It's not your fault," It's my fault they died and my fault you threw a party, he thought to himself.

Marissa didn't press him any further. She would have to take this step by step. She noticed the marks on his hands.

"What've you been doing?" She said, holding his hands, palms down.

"Nothing," She looked at him questioningly. "Nothing,"

"I thought you'd started wearing protection?" When she had first met him he always punched without wrappings, he'd come into work with cuts and bruises all over his hands. He'd stopped a few months ago. It looked like he'd started again. Ryan just shrugged. "At least let me clean them up," She said leading him into the kitchen. When he remembered about the bottle he tried to stop her, but it was too late.

"What the..." Marissa looked from the mess to Ryan. He was unshaven and saying his hair was a mess would have been an understatement. Heavy bags hung under his eyes, which were now greyer than their usual brilliant blue. He was a shadow of his former self. "Have you been drinking?" She asked firmly.

"How stupid do you think I am?"

"I don't think you're stupid, you're just..."

"Messed up. I know."

"Have you?"

"Been drinking? I tried. I couldn't do it. I never drink."

"Good," She said. She put the plug in and filled the sink with warm water. "Looks like you'll be washing your own hands," She said motioning toward the mess she was about to begin cleaning up.

"You don't need to..."

"It's fine," She got a dustpan and brush out of the cupboard and began sweeping. He washed his hands then stood, observing her. It was then he made up his mind. He had to let go, he had to move on properly. The only way he was going to do that was by facing his past.

"Marissa," She looked up. "I need to...go somewhere,"

"Where?" She asked as she stood up.

"Philly,"

"Why?"

"I...I'm not sure how to explain. I just...I just do. But I'll tell you everything when I get back, everything about me." She looked into his eyes. They seemed so sad. But also truthful. She knew he'd tell her. She'd just have to wait. She nodded in approval. "It'll only take a weekend."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, I...I need to be alone,"

"Ok,"


	12. Taxi Rides

_I'm not sure how many chapters I've got left. It depends how long it takes me to explain everything._

Taxi Rides

The plane journey was as pleasant as 5 hours in a metal tube could be. Ryan hated flying. He tried telling himself it was the reason he hadn't visited since he'd moved to Newport. It was a lie.

As soon as he got past security in Philly he went to find a cab. He'd taken everything he'd need in his hand luggage. On the way he stopped off and bought a bunch of lilies and a single rose. When he got outside a cab pulled up beside him and he got in.

"Can you take me to this address?" Ryan asked handing him a piece of paper.

"Sure, let me just get it on the sat-nav. I don't drive outta town much." Ryan sat back and tried to relax as the second stage of his journey began.

******************************

"Dude, are you sure this is right?" The driver asked, when his sat-nav instructed him to stop.

"Yeah,"

"It's a cemetery..."

"How much do I owe you?"

"$50," Ryan handed over the money and got out. He waited until the cab had left to open the gate and begin down the gravel path, walking in between graves. He found what he was looking for. 2 graves, the stones still shining. Last time he was here the earth had just been placed back, now grass grew and the mounds were barely visible. Ryan knelt down beside them. He held the lilies in one hand and the rose in the other.

"Sorry I haven't come. I didn't think I could manage it." Ryan choked back tears. "I got you flowers. Lilies for you," He placed the lilies by the smaller of the headstones. "And a rose," He said placing it on the bigger headstone. "I've met someone, she's really nice. You'd both like her. She's really pretty, but she's really kind as well. She's taking care of me, don't worry. I hurt her sometimes. I don't tell her about stuff. I haven't told her about you yet. But I'm going to tell her when I get back. She deserves to know. I never want to hurt her ever again. I never wanted to hurt you. I hope it's ok that I've met her, that I like her. She's helping me a lot, even if she doesn't know it." Ryan couldn't talk about her anymore, somehow it felt wrong. "I've got a best friend. Seth. He's strange and odd, but in a wonderful way. His little girl reminds me so much of you. Her Mom, Summer, puts her in the prettiest little dresses, just like the one you were wearing on..." He stopped. He couldn't say it. He didn't think he'd ever be able to talk about that night. "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," He broke down, the guilt had become too much. "I never wanted to hurt you, never. They were right it hurts me more doing this that killing me. I love you. I love you. I'm sorry..." He trailed off into mumblings. When he'd recovered he stood up. He slid his hands across the stones, almost stroking them. "Goodbye. I love you," Ryan turned and left. Down the gravel path, out of the gates.

It took a taxi 30 minutes to get there after he'd called it. The driver looked alarmed at the man standing waiting for him. His eyes were red, with huge bags under them. He looked like he could have just come out of the earth from one of the graves behind him. Ryan got in.

"This address, please," Ryan said, handing the driver a piece of paper just like he had done previously.

"Ok," The driver said. He didn't want to have this man around him any longer than necessary. He looked like trouble. They were half way through the journey when Ryan spoke.

"I must look awful, huh?" Ryan said. He'd noticied the driver looking back at him in the mirror a few times.

"Pretty bad, sir,"

"I just got off a flight,"

"Ah." The man seemed friendlier to the driver now. "You were visiting...?" He was curious as to why this man, who when you looked past the face, seemed to be in very expensive clothes, was in a cemetery in the countryside. He looked more like he belonged on the coast of California, with his blond hair and blue eyes. They were quite a dull blue. The driver wondered if they were always that dull or if it was an effect of the sadness he obviously felt. Ryan took a while to answer. He was unsure what to say.

"Family," Ryan said. The driver could sense it was a touchy subject and decided to move on.

"So, this place, it's your home?"

"It used to be,"

"Oh, so you're reliving the memories?"

"Sort of,"

"You said you'd flown, you haven't come in from L.A by any chance?"

"Yeah, I have," Ryan confused about the driver's question.

"I thought so,"

"Why?"

"You just look the part,"

"Oh," The cab was silent until they arrived 10 minutes later.

Before them stood a large, old, wooden house; it was painted white, with light blue window frames. The garden looked like it had been tended to once, but was now weedy and overgrown. You could just make out a path running down to the front door.

"$40?" Ryan asked.

"Yes, how...?"

"I've been on the ride before," Ryan said simply, he gave the money to the driver and stepped out. He had been on that journey before, but only once. The day of the funeral was imprinted in his mind. He could remember every detail.

He looked at the house. It was different, but he looked carefully and things were the same underneath all the plants. He walked up to the door. He unlocked it and stepped in. The furniture was all in the same place. He couldn't face looking up at the banner that hung from the ceiling. He carried on into the next room. Blood stained the white walls. He fainted.


	13. His Flowers

_By the end of this chapter, I hope you'll get the flower references to the last chapter. I used some metaphors so sometimes the text might not make sense._

_It's kinda moved on from the fainting, that was just to show how overwhelming it was for Ryan, being back home. So basically he woke up._

His Flowers

"Marissa, please," Dawn begged.

"Look, I just don't think..." Marissa was trying her best to argue against the rest of them. They all thought it would be a great idea to make memory boxes each and then have a 'sharing' night. Apparently it would be a good way to make Ryan talk.

"You've already said yourself he already has one,"

"I don't know where it is. He said he'd tell me when he got back..."

"Why not tell all of us at the same time? I'm his mother,"

"YOU ABANDONDED HIM!" Marissa took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I just think it will turn out like the brilliant birthday party,"

"Not so brilliant?" Seth asked.

"Yes," Marissa said.

"It won't! Please, come on," Dawn tried one last time. Marissa gave in.

"You're getting the blame if it goes wrong. I'm not taking any blame for this. I'm not searching through his cupboards either."

"Ok, Seth can I borrow your key?" Dawn asked.

"You can 'take' it from my jacket pocket," Seth said. Dawn eyed him. "OI! I'm not getting too involved either!"

"Ok, I guess I understand." Dawn fetched the key. "So, each of us getting a shoe box, fill it with memories or something. Photos that kinda thing. I'll see you all tomorrow," Dawn waved them goodbye.

"I have a bad feeling about this," Marissa said.

"Don't worry, I bet it'll just be high school photos and stuff," Summer said, trying to reassure both Marissa and herself.

******************************

"Hey," Ryan called. He'd been told to go to the Seth and Summer's, apparently they'd all be having dinner. His talk with Marissa would have to wait. He dropped his bag in the hall and went into the living room. They were all sat, shoe boxes on their knees. "What's this?" Then he realised. He saw his own box, Marissa looking over it, tears streaming down her cheeks. She had seen inside it. He went to put a hand on her shoulder, put she shrugged him off. She stood up and stared at him.

"You're married?" She said accusingly, holding up a wedding ring.

"No,"

"You were?"

"Yes, but I..."

"There's no buts, you're a Dad!" She had seen the photos. She held up a DVD with birthday written on it. "What's this? Birthday celebrations with your family?"

"No, don't watch that, please," Ryan begged.

"Why? It can't get any worse. YOU LIAR, YOU LIAR!!!" She pushed him and he let her. "I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!" He held her arms, stopping her.

"WATCH IT THEN! I'LL BE OUTSIDE! IF YOU'D JUST HAVE LET ME TALK TO YOU INSTEAD OF THIS STUPID BOX IDEA!" Marissa faltered. "Watch it then!" She didn't move. He grabbed the DVD from her hand and put it in the player. He fumbled around until he found the play button. "Enjoy the movie. I never do, every time I watch it, I never do." He picked up the box, shoving all the photos she had left scattered on the floor inside and then stormed out. The film began to play.

_It was a large room, white walls with wood flooring. A lady stood holding a child in the centre. A cake was on the table beside them, decorated with the message "Happy Birthday Daddy," A banner hung above them, the same message written on it. _

"_When's he coming Mommy?" The little girl asked._

"_Soon. Now what are we going to say?" The woman said._

"_Happy Birthday!" The little girl seemed to have trouble saying r's. The noise of a door opening and closing could be heard from somewhere else in the house. _

"_I'm home," A voice called. A man walked into the room. His blond hair, which had been neat earlier in the day, was now slightly dishevelled. His eyes shone at the sight. The little girl burst into a hysteric spouting of words, none of which made sense. _

"_DADDY!" The girl screamed as her Mom passed her over. Ryan took his daughter into his arms. _

"_How's my little princess?" He asked, looking at her, still in awe of the beautiful sight in front of him, even after 2 years of having her around._

"_I'm not a princess today!" The girl replied._

"_Oh, what are you?"_

"_Frog," It sounded more like Fwog._

"_A frog?" Ryan was bewildered at his daughter's choice of animal._

"_Yes. Happy birthday!"_

"_Thank you," Ryan lent over and kissed his wife. "Thank you too," She smiled; he was still as loveable as the day she had met him._

"_Look at the camera!" The lady said._

"_What camera?" Ryan looked puzzled._

"_I put a video camera up in the corner," The lady pointed, it seemed like she was pointing to the viewers. "Catch everything,"_

"_Clever girl," Ryan grinned as he turned to face the camera, his daughter in one arm and wrapping the other around his wife's shoulder. _

"_What's this?" Ryan said, enthusiastically to his daughter, inspecting the cake._

"_It's a cake! Mommy made it but I helped!" She screamed excitedly._

"_I'm sure you did. Lilly the cake baker,"_

"_I'm not baker, I'm frog!"_

"_Ok," Ryan laughed. _

Ryan sat on the bench, staring at the photos.

Marissa continued watching the scenes. It was a perfect family. Ryan seemed so happy; he was almost like a different man. No guard, no barriers, just him. The Ryan she rarely got to see.

_The door flung open, 2 men in suits stood there. Both holding guns. The family jumped back, in shock and fear. Ryan was about to move to shield them._

"_DON'T MOVE!" The taller of the men ordered, waving his gun at Ryan. "Move and their dead," _

"_Let's calm down, ok. The money's in the..."_

"_We don't want your money," The man sneered. "Remember Jeff? Jeff Sayle? He's our boss. He's pretty pissed you didn't get him off the charges. He's in jail for 3 years now. He sent us here to teach you a lesson."_

"_He wanted you to be hurt," The other man continued. "So, we figured that you have a family, a very pretty family." The man eyed up the lady._

"_YOU LEAVE HER ALONE OR I'LL..."_

"_You'll what? We've got the guns here." The men laughed. "As I was saying, the boss wants you to get hurt."_

"_Shoot me then. Just leave them alone." Ryan said sternly._

"_That's the thing, see the boss thinks you'd hurt more, if you lived...without them,"_

"_YOU..." Ryan tried to grab for the guns, but he was too late. 2 shots were fired and the men ran. Ryan's life fell to the floor, his little girl still in his wife's arms. He rushed over to them, bent down, cradling them in his arms. Blood collected in a pool under him._

"_Rose...Rose..." Ryan cried, stroking back his wife's hair. She was gone. Her eyes were shut and she wasn't breathing. "Lilly?" He looked at his girl. Her eyelids were fluttering. He pulled her tight._

"_It hurts Daddy," She whimpered._

"_I know...I know...ssshhhhh," He said, crying into her hair. She was lifeless within a minute. Ryan screamed. He crawled back and leant against the wall. He sat, hand in mouth, rocking forward and backward, staring at the dead bodies of the two people he loved most._

Sandy pressed stop. He was the only person in the room capable of it; everyone else was in tears or shock.


	14. Author s Note

Ok guys. I´m not going to be able to get access to my computer for like 2 weeks, maybe more, because I´m on holiday in Spain then a Spanish person is coming to stay at my house. Which means i won´t be able to post on any stories, even though i have a new chapter for all of them :(

I´m also looking to start a new story. I´ve got a few plotlines thought up, but feel free to add your own.

1. Marissa and Ryan have only ever been friends. RYan´s been dating Taylor since he came to Newport. Apart from that everything is the same, the drama etc. etc. Then somehow Taylor dies, like Marissa did, and Marissa is like Taylor was in Season 4, helping him grieve and move on. BUt only better because i don´t think RYan could ever love Taylor as much as he loved Marissa.

2. Ryan picks up Marissa as a prostitute, but he doesn´t want to use her as one. He helps her out. Finding out why is a bit of a plotline, so i can´t tell you that. Basically this summary is shit.

3. Ryan and Marissa are married, so showing like their life. Bits of fluff, but there is quite a major storyline i´ve got thought up, but i cant say because that would be telling now wouldn´t it. :D

4. CHOOSE YOUR OWN! Tell me if you have an idea and want me to write it. I´ll be more than happy to for you lovely people who review or read my stories.

So review this chapter and tell me which storyline you like best. Or if you just want me to do all of them. Or if you want me to do none. YOur choice.

I miss writing my stories :(


	15. Roses and Lilies

_I'm home and this is the first story im updating because the chapter literally was finished. The other one needs a bit of finishing off but ill have it done as soon as possible. _

_Read & Review :D_

_xoxo_

Roses and Lilies

He brushed his fingers over the photo. It was taken just after they'd brought Lilly home from the hospital; there were lilies and roses everywhere. He smiled at the memory. Rose's parents had come over from Washington and they'd had dinner, just them, their little family. Being with the Cohen's and Marissa and the Cooper's was the closest he'd been to a family since they'd gone. It was a bigger one, different, but still with just as much love. He'd wanted to tell them, so much, he just never could. He could never find the words. He found it hard enough to tell himself sometimes.

It was Rose's parents who had suggested the name Lilly. Keeping in with the flower theme, they joked if they had another girl they'd have to call her Daisy. They never got the chance to grow their little family. Just like his little girl never got the chance to grow up. Ryan felt so guilty. He'd killed them. They were dead because of him; because of his stupid ideals.

He didn't notice the hardness of the bench. He didn't feel anything apart from his heart, in which he felt pain. He picked up a rose from the box. It had withered and now drooped as he held it. It was dead. Just like her. He couldn't stop the tears then. He didn't sob; he just let them fall, gently, slowly down his cheeks.

Slowly he collected everything into his box and held it under his arm. Then he stood up and trudged back inside. When he opened the door they all stared. Their eyes were red; some still had tears in them. He couldn't even bear looking at Marissa's.

"Ryan, honey..." Dawn stood up and walked toward him. He didn't want her. He didn't need her. The mother who'd abandoned him. When she moved in to hug him, he pushed her away. Silently he walked over to the T.V, bent down and took the disc from the DVD player. He put it in the case and then into the box. He was halfway to the door when he turned around.

"I wanted to tell you." His words were for all of them, but Marissa knew they were directed mainly to her. "I wanted to tell you, so much. But I couldn't...I...it would ruin it. I couldn't let them ruin my life again...I couldn't let them win. I'm sorry." Ryan walked away, drooping. They had won. The gunmen had won. They had successfully destroyed his life...twice. He opened the door, but Seth shut it in front of him.

"Wait," Seth said. He'd been crying too. "Ryan, just wait, ok?" He said as Ryan tried to make a move for the door. "Ryan, it's...ok. I mean...I get why you didn't say anything. I...you have to let us help."

"Help with what?" Ryan said, refusing to look at him.

"Ryan...please."

"They're gone Seth, I'm fine."

"You're not. You're not fine. If I lost Summer and Esme I'd...I don't know what I'd do. I'd be nothing. I'm not going to pretend I understand or that I know how it feels, because I don't. But please, don't leave." Ryan made another move for the door. "Don't runaway," It was those words that touched Ryan; that made him hesitate. "Ryan. You've got your box. Show us it. Show us what's in it. Tell us about them." Ryan swallowed hard.

"I..."

"You've got nothing to lose. Please." Seth was desperate. He couldn't lose his best friend. This was what best friends were for, helping out the other, picking them up. He refused to leave Ryan; he would stick by his side. Ryan looked from Seth to the door to the others. Sandy and Dawn nodded. The others didn't seem capable of it. Seth took Ryan's arm and led him back to where they all sat. "Ryan..."

"I..." Ryan didn't know where to start. He wasn't sure if he wanted to start. But he had to. As Seth said, he had nothing to lose. He pulled out the first thing from the box, the rose he had been holding earlier. "I always used to give her a rose, with every present. It was a bit of a joke, giving her the same thing as her name." He brushed his fingers over the petals. "I proposed with this one." He pulled out the next thing. The wedding ring. "I guess this is pretty obvious."

"Where's her's?" Dawn asked carefully.

"With her." Ryan answered simply.

"Oh," Ryan pulled out the next photo. It was a still from the video camera, before everything was ruined.

"I...I lost them in a blink of the eye...I..." Ryan cried. He didn't care that they all saw him. He didn't care at all. "I'm sorry," Ryan stood up quickly and ran outside. He needed to breathe. He heard footsteps behind him. He spun round.

"How does it feel?" Ryan asked. "To find out I'm a murderer?"

"You're not a murderer," She couldn't bear seeing him like this. He was like a haunted man.

"Would they be dead if it wasn't for me and my refusal to work in any normal lawyers office? They wouldn't. I killed them,"

"No, Ryan, you didn't. You didn't. You loved them. Those two men killed them. They are the murderers." Inside he knew she was right.

"I feel so guilty," Ryan sat down on the bench, defeated.

"You don't need to, you didn't kill them,"

"Not just about that," Marissa looked puzzled. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you,"

"Ryan it's ok..."

"No it's not. I should have told you. I just thought that you'd be put off, then we'd be...nothing...I couldn't take that risk. It was stupid, not telling. I just..." Ryan wanted to make her see how much she meant to him, how much she had helped. "I used to watch the DVD, every night, trying to think of something I could have done differently, trying to think of what mistakes I made." He was crying through his words. "I used to hate myself for what happened." He looked down, afraid of what he would see if he looked at her. "Then...then I stopped watching it...because of you. Because of you I didn't...need them back. I missed them, I still do. I'm not glad they died, I'm not thankful that they died. But I'm not hoping everyday that by some miracle it was all some horrible nightmare and I'll wake up and everything will be ok. I guess I...accepted it." He swallowed. "You made me accept it. You made me capable of accepting it." She took his hand.

"It's hard...to find out. But...I...I love you...no matter what." She looked into his eyes. "You've never said you love me. Is it because of...them?"

"I guess,"

"Do you? I just need to hear it, to know. If you do then we can get through anything."

"I went to Philly to see their graves. I haven't been since the funeral. I wanted to...let go, properly. I needed to say goodbye, one last time." Ryan swallowed. He looked into her beautiful eyes. "I was so confused, I didn't know if it was right, if I was allowed to. But, yes, I love you; unconditionally, uncontrollably and undeniably." It was strange. It was one of the hardest things for Ryan to say, it felt like betrayal to Rose, but at the same time it was wonderful to know that Marissa now knew how he felt. He was so confused. In fact, his love for Marissa was one of the few things he was sure of. She squeezed his hand.

"Tell me about them," She said softly. "Not now if you don't want to, but whenever you want to talk about them..."

"I promise." They sat silent.

"What's it like, being a parent?" Marissa's question surprised Ryan.

"It's..." Ryan was stuck for words. "It's one of the best experiences. It's scary, draining, but amazing. I never got any of the usual things...watching her grow up, hitting any guy who looked at her, letting go when she moved out. I..." Ryan had never talked to anyone about Lilly. "I didn't think it was possible to ever love someone as much as I loved Rose...but having Lilly...I just..."

"Ryan, do you love me, like you loved her? I don't mind if you don't, I'd understand..." Ryan placed a finger over Marissa's lips.

"The scary thing is...the thing I feel most guilty about now...is that...I think I love you more..." Ryan looked down at his feet. Marissa felt a smile creeping onto her face, but pushed it away. It didn't feel like the right time.

"I'm sorry," Marissa whispered.

"None of it's your fault," Ryan said.

"Wanna go inside?"

"I think I'll head straight home," Ryan stood. "Tell them...bye,"


	16. Life Sucks

_I'm not going to be able to write for a while. I'm not sure when I'll be able to write. I just don't feel like it._

_My grandma had an operation on her brain tumor and they took as much of it out as they could, but there is still some in. Basically she's going to die and I have no idea how I'm meant to act, feel, react. I don't know. I've got this thing where I want to spend time with her, but it hurts so much because it feels like it's going to be the last time i spend time with her. And i always imagined her being there when I graduated and all that stuff. We had this joke that I'd become a doctor so she could consult me and not have to wait for an appointment at the doctor's surgery. I'll miss her so much and I really don't get why it is happening. The world is cruel. Life is unfair. And right now I hate it._

_I don't even know why I'm posting this on some stupid website with stupid stories about stupid fictional characters that mean absolutely nothing. Nothing means anything anymore. We spend our lives doing stuff, but in the end none of it matters. Nothing matters because everything is out of our control._

_I can't write._


	17. 4 Years Later

4 years later

"I can't tell him," Marissa cried into her best friends shoulder.

"Course you can, Coop,"

"He'll...he'll...he won't want it,"

"Why not?"

"He'll see it like a replacement, he doesn't want a replacement."

"Coop, he married you, to him you're his family and I bet he'd be overjoyed at any new members,"

"Sum, I'm so stupid,"

"Marissa Cooper, the only thing that makes you stupid is not telling him. He's your husband. He's not going to leave you, he'll probably throw you in the air, then realise that that might hurt you both, and then he'd catch you and keep apologising all the time. He'll dote on you hand and foot, he'd...he'd be Seth...but less annoying,"

"I can't,"

"Coop, you're becoming stupider every time you say that,"

**********

"Pass me the wrench," Ryan asked, knelt on the floor, in front of him stood an almost finished cot.

"Yep, yep," Seth surveyed the toolbox for a moment. "Hang on...which is the wrench?"

"Please say you're joking,"

"Nope, describe it to me,"

"It's metal and like a claw,"

"There's quite a lot of metal, claw like...things in here," Marissa and Summer walked in.

"Thank god, one of you pass me the wrench,"

"Sure," Marissa and Summer laughed, they could guess at what had happened before they came in. Ryan twisted a few things, clipped some things together, then stood up and surveyed the finished item.

"Done," Ryan felt his heart throb. Sometimes little things would bring back memories.

"Thank you!" Summer pulled him into a big hug.

"No problem,"

"You'll have to teach Seth so he can do it next time,"

"What?! No more babies! Two's more than enough," Seth protested.

"We actually have one five year old and one baby," Ryan and Marissa just looked at each other. Some things would never change.

"The last time I had a good night's sleep was...6 years ago,"

"You didn't even have a kid 6 years ago Seth," Ryan pointed out.

"Yeah, but I had Summer going on about kids," Marissa and Ryan laughed, Summer smacked Seth over the head.

"Cohen, shut up,"

"Ryan, beer, accompanied by a manly chat?"

"Where's the other man?" Ryan joked.

"Haha, now let's go,"

"I don't really want a beer, got any Chardonnay?"

"That's not funny anymore. Now COME ON!" Seth ushered him out the door.

"I still can't believe you asked for Chardonnay in a steak house," Ryan was walking down the stairs when he said this, but the girls still heard.

"You want more kids?" Marissa asked as they sat down on the floor.

"Not know. Maybe later. I'm not sure really. Everything is just perfect at the moment; I don't want to do anything that would spoil it."

"Tell me about it," Marissa sighed.

"Still don't want to tell him?"

"Sum, you and Seth talked about having kids, me and Ryan we...we don't even mention it."

"Coop, he's never going to talk about it if you don't start the conversation."

"It's not a conversation he wants me to start,"

"Coop, pull yourself together. Stop being so fucking stupid,"

"It's easy for you; you're not married to someone who's grieving over his family."

"First off, Ryan isn't still grieving; if he was he wouldn't have started a relationship with you, never mind married you. Second, I married an annoying, sarcastic, joker...not sure if easy has ever been a word to describe our relationship."

"That's true,"

"Promise me you'll talk to him?"

"Well, I'm going to have to, aren't I?"

"Yep, so better sooner than later,"

**********

"I'm pregnant," Marissa looked into the mirror. "Ryan, I'm pregnant. I've got something to tell you. I'm pregnant. We're having a baby! You might need make another nursery. I'm pregnant, with a baby. I'm pregnant. Iiiiii'm...pregnant! I'm with child. I've got a muffin my oven. I'm up the duff. I'm pregnant,"

"I got it the first time you said it," Marissa spun around. Ryan was leaning against the doorway.

"I thought you were with Seth..." Her face filled with worry, until he smiled, hurried over to her and kissed her. "You're happy...?"

"Of course I am," He chuckled.

"Wouldn't having a kid be too...painful?"

"Marissa," Ryan put a hand on cheek. "Stop thinking about the past. Having a kid would be...amazing. I mean raising a mini you...of course with my brilliant social skills," Ryan joked. "Well, I couldn't think of anything better."

"Really?"

"Of course," Ryan said before kissing her again. She began trying the undo his trousers, he stopped her. "No you don't. No sex."

"God, I hoped you wouldn't do the whole over protective thing on me."

"I certainly am doing it." Ryan smiled.

"That's unfair!" Ryan just kissed her again to silence her moaning. She pushed him off. "No making out. You can't get what you want if I can't get what I want,"

"Fine. But I'm sure I'll hold out longer than you," Ryan grinned.

"That's what you think," Marissa smiled. They lay down next to each other on the bed. Ryan placed his hand on her belly.

"A baby," Ryan said with a smile on his face. He lay sideways, supporting his head with his hand.

"Yep," Marissa said. A huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She was more relieved than words could ever describe. She was happy too. They were going to have a baby together. For the first time since she found out she felt happy about being pregnant.

"Would you prefer a boy or girl?" Ryan asked, running the fingers of his free hand through her hair.

"I'm not sure. I don't think I mind. You?"

"Don't care." Ryan still had a ridiculously big grin stretched across his face. "But if it is a girl...promise me you'll do all the girly stuff,"

"Like...?"

"Hair brushing and when she's older boys and bitch fights and all that,"

"That's defiantly reserved for me. She'd be scared for life if you gave her the 'boy talk'."

"They learn about sex in school now don't they? We don't have to talk to them do we?"

"Ryan. Firstly we have to. It's a parent's duty. Teenage years are not complete without the embarrassing sex talk. Secondly, you're thinking about the sex talk before it's even born?"

"True." Ryan thought for a bit. "If it was a girl what would you call her?"

"Erm...Alice? No wait, that alliterates. Rachael maybe,"

"Rachael's nice."

"A boy?"

"Ryan Jnr," Ryan joked.

"No way. There will be no juniors." Marissa said, looking deadly serious.

"Ok," Ryan laughed. "How about...Jamie?"

"Is it too early to be thinking about names?"

"I don't know."

"Well you have done it before," Marissa saw the look of hurt on his face; she hadn't meant it to come out like that. "I didn't mean..."

"It's ok. I guess I have." They were silent. "Does it bother you?"

"What? No, of course it doesn't,"

"It's ok if it does, I mean...having kids is meant to be like a first experience you share together an..."

"Ryan, I'm guessing it's not going to be exactly the same as it was with Rose, I'm guessing the baby won't be the same as Lilly, I'm guessing we're going to be a different family." Ryan thought for a minute. "It'll be an experience, first time or not,"

"You're good at guessing," He said, a smile slowly returning to his face.

"I know," Marissa smiled back at him. He kissed her slowly, she pushed him off. "No you don't, I'm not giving in,"

"You're too clever,"

"I know," Marissa giggled. "T.V?"

"So, now we're like the old couple who spend their Saturday nights in front of the telly?"

"You got a problem with that?"

"No, not at all," Ryan smiled.

_So, I didn't want to show people's reactions to Ryan's past. I really had no ideas and all my attempts turned out absolutely rubbish. Ask me if you want me to try again and add chapters in between this and the previous, but otherwise I'm going for some good old R/M fluffiness as the other fics I'm writing at the moment seem to be pretty unfluffy. _

_Not feeling too good. I fear I may have Piggy Sniffles aka. Swine Flu._

_xoxo_


	18. What makes them happy?

What makes them happy?

"Mom it was SO awesome. They had these awesome helmets, they were RED. Can I have a red helmet Mommy? No, I want a blue on. Can you get purple helmets? Can you get PINK helmets?" Esme enthused as she walked through the house, her Mom following straight after.

"I thought you wanted to be firewoman? They where red helmets," The little girl thought about what her Mom had said for a while.

"But pink's my favourite colour," Esme's face dropped at her realisation.

"I'm sure you could be a firewoman with a pink hat," Summer said, trying to make her daughter feel better.

"Really?" Summer nodded. "YAY! I'M GOING TO BE A HOSE LADY! I HAVE TO TELL DADDY? WHERE'S DADDY?" Summer was used to the excessive loudness. Also the exess of words. Her little girl really was just like her father.

"Indoor voice," Summer chatistised.

"Where's Daddy?" Esme repeated quietly.

"I think he's in the garden with Ryan and Marissa."

"UNCLE RYAN'S HERE!?" Esme ran straight out into the garden eager to talk to her Uncle and Auntie. "RYAN!" She screamed jumping onto his knee.

"Hey," Ryan smiled.

"I missed you," Esme hugged him.

"You saw me yesterday," Ryan laughed.

"Glad to see you missed me," Seth said.

"I missed you too Daddy!" Esme jumped off Ryan's knee and hugged Seth. "And Rissa!" Esme then hugged Marissa. Summer had joined them with a baby cradled in her arms. "I missed Joe too!" Esme hurried over to her Mom and little brother and then calmly placed a kiss on his forehead.

"So, what did you do at school today, honey?" Seth asked. Esme sat on his knee.

"FIRE PEOPLE CAME IN! I WANT TO BE A HOSE LADY!" When Esme tried to say hose it turned out more like hoz, the o pronounced like in o-range. All the adults apart from Summer stifled back laughter, she had heard her daughter's pronunciation of hose before.

"What's a hoz lady, honey?" Seth asked.

"The person who hoses things," Everyone looked at her blankly. She looked at her Mom for support. "Tell them Mommy,"

"She wants to be a firewoman," Summer answered her daughter's plea.

"Thank you, Mommy,"

"What else did you do?" Ryan asked.

"Nothing," Esme then added something extra to what she had told Summer on the drive home. "I found something out though,"

"And what did you find out, Ez?" Seth asked.

"Johnny's dad is getting married," Esme said. Then she sat on Ryan's knee. "I didn't understand, because I didn't think you could marry the same person twice. And then Miss Smith said that he wasn't. And then I asked where Johnny's Mommy was. And Miss said she had died. And then I asked where people went when they died. And she said lots of people think different things. And she said I should ask my Mommy or Daddy, but they don't know anyone who died, but you do, because you're family died. So, I want to ask you what you think happens to people when they die," Esme finished. Ryan looked uncomfortable.

"Ez," Summer hissed.

"What?"

"We said you weren't to bother Uncle Ryan about that, remember?"

"But I just want to know," Esme couldn't see anything wrong with it. Of course she hadn't experienced losing someone she loved. Because of that she didn't understand the pain you felt when talking about them.

"I think..." Ryan began. "I think that it doesn't matter where they are as long as they're happy,"

"What would make them happy?"

"Esme!" Seth said firmly.

"Stop interrupting Daddy,"

"I..." Ryan looked to the floor. "I don't know,"

"How can you not know?" Esme didn't understand Ryan's body language. It was strange to her. Ryan thought for a while.

"Pretty dresses." Ryan said. He smiled at a memory of Lilly running around in a dress Rose's Mom had made. "They both liked pretty dresses."

"I like dresses. I like pink ones. Did your baby like pink ones?"

"Yes. She loved pink ones."

"My Mommy makes me happy. Did hers?"

"Yes,"

"Is that why her Mommy had to die as well? So, that your baby could be happy?" Esme didn't understand what death was. She thought it was much like moving house.

"I don't know, honey,"

"Was your baby like me?"

"Yes. A bit." Ryan admitted.

"Was she as pretty as me?"

"No, because you are the prettiest girl in the world," Ryan faked happiness.

"Why is Riss having a baby if you already have one?"

"I...what do you mean?"

"Why is RIss having a baby if you already have one?" Esme repeated. "Won't the other baby get jealous when it comes home?"

"The baby isn't coming home,"

"Oh." Esme thought for a while. "So, you never get to see your baby again?"

"No."

"Do you get to see its Mommy?"

"No,"

"Do you miss them?"

"Sometimes,"

"So, you want a new baby?"

"Yes,"

"I'd want a new baby too," Esme said thoughtfully.

"How about I go get you some juice?"

"Yes please!" Ryan stood up, leaving Esme to sit in the chair.

"Esme, never bother Uncle Ryan about that again," Seth said sternly.

"But..." Seth cut her off.

"No buts. Never ever." Beth folded her arms, sulking. Marissa went inside to find Ryan. He was stood, staring at nothing, his eyes a little glazed over with tears. Marissa didn't say anything; she just stood behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist. Ryan stayed still for a while, before turning around to allow a proper embrace.

"Ryan, are you sure?" Marissa asked gently.

"About the baby?" Marissa nodded against his shoulder. He placed a hand on her swollen stomach. "I'm surer about this than I have ever been about anything...apart from you," He pulled her back in and kissed her forehead.


	19. Chapter 19

_good people of the world._

_read._

_any of these stories that your patiently waiting to be updated (i think one of them hasn't been updated in quite a few months) will be updated in due course. most of them have half finished chapters that i just cant seem to finish._

_well anyway._

_i have this huge thing in my mind. it's going to be huge._

_it's so huge that i made a blog for it._

_it has some images, showing each of the charcters. _

_alongside them are sort of cryptic things saying the relationships between the characters._

_just type _

_orangesunsets_

_._

_tumblr_

_._

_com_

_all in one._

_please._

_for me?_


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